Thursday, July 14, 2011

Sinking In

I’m wallowing in Mommy guilt tonight. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.

It sank in today that I am going to have a c-section again. I really don’t mind the surgery, it is the after that has me upset. Caitlin isn’t going to be allowed to visit me in the hospital. That means I will be away from her for three days. I’ve never gone a day without seeing her. More than anything I know she is too young to understand. There is no way to explain it to her. I know that there is nothing I can do about it, and that doesn’t help.

Last time I had Morgan with me in the hospital the whole time. This time he is going to be going back and forth taking care of Caitlin. We were just talking on the way home today that by the time I have the surgery and we actually get to see/spend time with the baby he is going to have to leave to pick Caitlin up from day care. We estimate he’ll have about an hour.

The Irishman is wonderful and has plans to spoil Caitlin while I am in the hospital. He is thinking about ways to set up Skype or something to talk with her for those three days. But I know it is going to be hard on him, too.

When I get home I am not going to be able to pick up Caitlin because of the surgery. Again, she’s not going to understand. She won’t understand that I can pick up the baby but not pick her up. I can already hear her protests. It breaks my heart.

I’m off this week, but she went to day care three of five days because of appointments and errands. On one hand I feel like I should keep her home and smother her with one on one time. On the other hand I’m tired. It is hard to play with her all day. It is too hot outside to do anything other than swim and I can’t take her swimming without help. We are trying really hard to stay on budget so I can take a few extra months off and the thought of lifting Caitlin in and out of the car seat is just about enough to make me need a nap (and a shower after sweating in the hot car).

(After typing this out I just researched some story times at the local libraries and came up with some free, kid friendly activities in the AC that should not require too much Caitlin chasing. I’ve calmed down a lot since I started typing this!)

Caitlin has to be at school by 9:00 on the days we send her in. I’ve said a few time that I would just pick her up early, but picking her up and taking her home to nap seems silly. If I wait until after naptime (and snack…I made the mistake of picking her up during snack once and she was not happy with me!) it is already 3:30. We have to pay for her spot regardless while I am off and she enjoys going. On days I’ve had appointments or errands to run it makes sense to send her to school. I still feel guilty though!

I had horrible contractions last night. (I honestly thought that might be it.) At my appointment today the doctor said the baby is no where near position yet though, so I guess you could say it was all for nothing. I asked about the date for the c-section and she said we can move it up to 39 weeks instead of 39 and a half. It is up to me. Again…bring on the guilt. I know the longer the better for the baby, but I think they have my due date wrong. It is a big baby. Thirty nine and a half weeks means we will need to find childcare for a weekend…thirty weeks means she can go to day care. I was so frustrated thinking about it all I decided to wait until next week’s appointment to decide.

(And just because I am not expecting it the baby could throw us all for a loop and decide to come early! I’m not going to hold my breath though…)

I know it will all be okay. I know things will all work out. Having two is going to be tough – but worth it. Morgan will be home the first two weeks and then my mom is coming for two weeks. So many people have done it before….we are not the first. I guess it is all just sinking in and a bit overwhelming.

**Edited to add: Morgan read this and reminded me that I was away from Caitlin for a whole week during the whole Irish flu/husband and daughter stuck across the pond while I went back to work/house broken into ordeal. I guess if I can manage to forget about that then I'll be just fine!


Meredith & Brett Hagedorn said...

Oh Jenny! You're so normal to be feeling this mama guilt. I felt that way about being away from Emma Kate while I was at the hospital. She loved getting one on one attention from my parents.

Yes, 2 is harder, just being honest! But it seems like from everything you've written about Morgan he's very hands on & a wonderful father/husband. That's SO VERY important to have you're other half sharing in all the parenting with you! I reminded myself to take it one day at a time!! It really is wonderful having one of each!! :)

sheri said...

A few things -

1. I feel so much more sane after reading your blog! I'm sure you remember my "meltdown" when I found out I had to have a c-section. :o)

2. Pssst! Didn't you spend an entire week picking up a ransacked apartment by yourself (while barely pregnant) while plagued Irishman and Shamrock spent some time in Ireland? You HAVE been away from her! And you did survive. :o) That was the hardest part for me (and why I was SO determined to go home ASAP from the hospital). I talked with my OB ahead of time about going home early. I was in the hospital just over 48 hours. You might be able to do without that third night if you let them know ahead of time that you want to go home. (And I just saw Morgan's edit - he beat me to it!!)

3. Don't beat yourself up over a few extra days of gestation! Your OB wouldn't do ANYTHING to potentially hurt little man. If 39 is easier for your whole family, go for it. Just try to remember that you're making decisions for four now (and actually have been for awhile).

4. Relaaaaax. And remember to take what advice you want, ignore the advice you don't, and that in a few short weeks, these three days in the hospital are going to be a mere memory. I know this is funny coming from the girl who cried her eyes out for 24 hours over the mention of the word c-section (and who, not too long ago, was seeking advice from YOU!), but everything is going to be perfect, no matter how it works out.

Hang in there and take care!!

Michelle said...

Hugs, dear friend. I'm sorry you are feeling anxious and guilty. I know nothing I say will make it better as it is part of mommy-hood, but take heart in knowing that extra prayers are being said for you and it will all be okay in the end. I'm sure Caitlin will have a great time with Morgan and your new little bundle of joy will get lots of daddy time when all of you are home together. You are a wonderful mother and I know your babies love you very much!

I'm here to talk any time if you need an understanding ear.

Agate Lake Girl said...

It's normal to worry and to feel guilty, but it will all be okay. Hang in there. The good part is soon to come!